I found this article about how sex therapy in Silicon Valley is a booming business. What it doesn’t tell you is that these sex therapists are preying on male techies in a way that should be considered malpractice. Let’s look at what these sex therapists have to say.
There’s something else at play here, though: In general, tech workers are more vulnerable to issues around love and intimacy, according to several local sex therapists I’ve interviewed. The reasons for this are wide-ranging, but in Dan’s particular case, it resulted from being tagged as a prodigy at a young age. He excelled in science and was encouraged to pursue it to the exclusion of all else.
“These are the tropes of tech development,” says Elizabeth McGrath, his sex therapist, who shared his story with me. (McGrath did not give me her patient’s name, and asked me to use a pseudonym when writing about him.) “To his mind, and his processing, there was no desire to prioritize anything other than that.”
No, this is not a trope of tech development. Even by the sex therapist’s admission, tech guys are in a path created by external forces, yet she tries to make this the fault of tech guys. What actually happened is that these men were being groomed for The Reserves. However, it worked a little too well. These guys managed to avoid getting ensnared by used up women in a bizarre form of good luck for these guys. As we will see these sex therapists aren’t acting in the best interests of their male tech clients, but instead are trying to reroute them back into The Reserves.
“[These men] often spend their time in environments that are mostly male, like in school and tech offices,” explains another therapist, Celeste Hirschman. “So they don’t have a lot of practice just relating to women, period, let alone learning how to meet, pickup, seduce, touch.”
Of course, this is true, but that’s because women don’t want them until they need a chump with money to pay their bills. How do these sex therapists help men get practice with women?
Hirschman follows a less-traditional therapy method known as Somatica, which is “body-based” and allows for non-genital touch between the counselor and client, the idea being that there are things that can’t be learned through talk alone. For example, she will wrestle with clients just to get them out of their heads and into their bodies.
“Less traditional” likely means crackpot in this case.
“Getting them out of their heads” does not get them experience interacting with women. It certainly does not get these men experience actually having sex with women. And if they’re like the 40 year old male virgin that the article talks about, he is going to need significant sexual experience to have relationships with age appropriate women. Adult women who are virgins are practically nonexistent.
Another reason that a lack of sexual experience is a problem is that these tech guys won’t recognize women who are out to steal their money. The sex therapists say that such women don’t exist.
Hirschman says some of her clients will downplay or hide the money they make out of fear that it’s the primary reason a woman will be interested in them. “I had one client I was just talking to the other day, he said, ‘I don’t know if I want to bring women to my house right away because it’s a big, huge house and suddenly they’re wanting to nest after the second date and they haven’t even gotten to know me yet!’”
McGrath believes that while there may be women out there on the prowl for a Google billionaire, these men’s fears largely come from deep-seated personal insecurity. “Part of that is, ‘A woman couldn’t be interested in me for me,’” she says. “That is a common thread for many men who are in the tech industry. They have never been seen as ‘the boyfriend’ or felt attractive or sexy. They felt dorky or like outsiders.”
This is not personal insecurity. It is what they have observed not only in their own lives but in the lives of many other men. Playing this off as a problem that only affects “Google billionaires” is like saying that bank robbers only try to rob Fort Knox and not small town banks with lax security.
One thing that gets repeated over and over is how these tech guys are “too much in their own heads”. In other words, these sex therapists don’t want them thinking. In fact, these sex therapists attack everything that made the tech guys so successful.
Another common issue that these therapists encounter with tech clients is they treat sex like a line of broken code in need of debugging, or a mathematical equation. “That’s the crux of trying to interact with a human, though: there isn’t a formula,” says McGrath. “Human connection is not formulaic. Does it have statistics, can you look at data, can you research it and quantify it? Sure. But in one-to-one, it is always variable. That’s where those things fail.”
This is an admission that these sex therapists don’t want their male tech clients using their best asset, their brains, making observations, or using the scientific method. (As we know attacking the scientific method is common to purveyors of dating advice.) The tech guys might actually notice the real nature of women and how vile it is, not to mention that they are being scammed by their sex therapists.
However, there is a big problem for the sex therapists when they attack data and the scientific method. If the tech guys are wrong for using those tools, then sex therapy can’t be based on science which uses those tools. It means that what these sex therapists are doing is no better than voodoo. By selling their voodoo as therapy, these sex therapists are quacks and con artists. The reason they are in Silicon Valley is for the same reason that bank robbers rob banks. That’s because banks are where the money is, and in this case it has little to no security protecting it.